yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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