Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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