I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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