Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
