I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
