I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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