You smell like a Billy Joel song
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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