Define "chronic" masturbator.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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