I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
