dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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