she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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