wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
