At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
