i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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