Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
