His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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