U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
