??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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