Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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