Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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