If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
