"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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