He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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