that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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