just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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