We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize