you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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