Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
only you would photoshop your dick
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
