Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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