I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
