Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
