When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
