I just cut my nipple shaving
4 words: hood of his car
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
