just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
