how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
