Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
