Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize