she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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