u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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