my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
