I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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