Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
