I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
