Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
