I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
