the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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