Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He? As in you personified your dick?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
