it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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