he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
