he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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