my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
