go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
