chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
