I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
