I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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