i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize