god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
my poor anus
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
