i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
