dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize