The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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