I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
