I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
